自己想的··语法有错吗?错在哪里?请指正!there was a girl walked in front of me "what a beautiful girl"I said to myself,then I put my eyes on her face and stood right there,suddenly,I smelt something likes shit,itmakes me sick,so I put

自己想的··语法有错吗?错在哪里?请指正!there was a girl walked in front of me "what a beautiful girl"I said to myself,then I put my eyes on her face and stood right there,suddenly,I smelt something likes shit,itmakes me sick,so I put
自己想的··语法有错吗?错在哪里?请指正!
there was a girl walked in front of me "what a beautiful girl"I said to myself,then I put my eyes on her face and stood right there,suddenly,I smelt something likes shit,it
makes me sick,so I put my hands on my noses and turn around,"what the hell!there's a beautiful girl there"I said to myself again,then I turn around again to
see that girl,she had already gone.I regret to couldn't see her again,if god will give me another changes,I will say"I bear it!"

自己想的··语法有错吗?错在哪里?请指正!there was a girl walked in front of me "what a beautiful girl"I said to myself,then I put my eyes on her face and stood right there,suddenly,I smelt something likes shit,itmakes me sick,so I put
There was a girl [walking] in front of me. 'What a beautiful girl!' I said to myself, then I put my eyes on her face and stood right there. Suddenly, I smelt something [like] shit. It
[made] me sick, so I put my hands on my [nose] and [turned] around. 'What the hell? [That]'s a beautiful girl there!' I said to myself again, then I [turned] around again to
see that girl, she had already gone. I regret [that I] couldn't see her again. If god [could] give me another [chance], I would say 'I bear it!'
楼主的单词我没改变,但很明显楼主的词汇量十分不足.
最重要的改错点有两点：1. 时态,2. 该用句号时,楼主用了逗号,这在英文写作交流中是十分忌讳的.
我把需要改的单词用中括号括出来了.
希望能帮到你,望给分~
PS. 在英国学习第四年中

There was a girl who walked in front of me. When we walked face to face, I stoped and fixed my eyes on her face," What a beautiful girl she is", I said to myself .Suddenly, I smelt something like shit...

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There was a girl who walked in front of me. When we walked face to face, I stoped and fixed my eyes on her face," What a beautiful girl she is", I said to myself .Suddenly, I smelt something like shit. It made me sick,so I put my hands on my noses and turn around.,"what the hell!?there was a beautiful girl there"I said to myself again,then I turned around again to
see the girl,she had already gone.I regret I couldn't see her again,if god can give me another chance ,I would say"I bear it!"

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there be 句型 there be sb. to do sth 或 there be sb. dong sth. so walked 改成walking, right there 中，there改为here，站在那里。 Smelt改为smiled. makes 改为 made .turn around
改为turned see 改为 saw ,could not 改为 can not .will 去掉。

walked----->walking,said to myself----->told to myself.I regret to couldn't see her again----->I think I would not see her again.

there was a girl 【walked，改为walking】 【in front of，这个词不合逻辑，她在你前面走应该是背对着你，你怎么知道她漂亮与否？用towards比较合理】 me "what a beautiful girl"I said to myself,then I put my eyes on her face and stood right there,suddenly...

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there was a girl 【walked，改为walking】 【in front of，这个词不合逻辑，她在你前面走应该是背对着你，你怎么知道她漂亮与否？用towards比较合理】 me "what a beautiful girl"I said to myself,then I put my eyes on her face and stood right there,suddenly,I smelt something likes shit,it
【makes，改为made】 me sick,so I put my hands on my noses and 【turn 改为turned】around,"what the hell!?there's a beautiful girl there"I said to myself again,then I 【turn改为turned】 around again to
see that girl,【but】she had already gone.I 【regret to couldn't see改为regretted for not seeing】 her again. If God would give me another chance,I would say"I bear it!"注意最后一句应该是虚拟语气。
很多标点符号需要注意。

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